DID I COMMIT ONE OF THE MOST UNFORGIVING ACTS OF ALL TIME?

This is just bullshit. I just ignored her earlier. I don't know why I suddenly did that. Maybe because of the news that Rap was courting but then . . . maybe it's also that I wanted to move on since I cry a lot when I'm alone just because I think of my past which has a connection to her in the first place.

I was so shocked that I did it in the first place. That was the first time that I ignored her greetings of "Hello." Then it just hit me that am i serious in moving on or what? My thoughts are really puzzled. Should I avoid and ignore her for the rest of this school year until I recover and move on? I need an answer or a sign here. I'm damn serious.

Last night, I cried heavily since I thought that I was stupid because I liked her. This situation is getting out of hand seriously. I want to move on but I can't do it. Damn. I want to put my money where my mouth is but since I've made claims that I will try to forget, I haven't been able to put my money where my mouth is.

I'm now really puzzled. Yes, I may be attempting to forget but still, if I ever become successful in forgetting her, there would still be a part of her that remains inside me. You see, life is just so intricate. I'm now thinking that should I still do this crap? Maybe yes and maybe not.

I'm damn pissed off. It's like everyone around me is being affected by my inner demons. Damn myself. I'm such a huge failure in life. I want to be successful yet with the present situation, I should do something first.

I, hereby, would like to apologize for that shameful gesture done by me. I'm so stupid to have done it in the first place.

But then, there is this "mystifying aura" that tells me that I should move on. But also, Jonash told me I shouldn't have done it. You see, life is too complex.

I wonder if what I did to her can be considered as a solution to the healing process. With my present state, I don't think so. Anything that I try just fails big time. It screws up my inner confidence. It screws up big time my self-esteem.

I'm sorry to myself and I'm sorry to her.

Savvy?

THE HAPPENINGS ABOUT ME

Today was a day marked by typical events. I woke up at 8 A.M and ate my breakfast which was a Ham and Egg Sandwich. After eating my breakfast, I went straight to my room and played Burnout Revenge for 3 hours. I just really love this game! I would post a review about this game once I had lots of free time.

While playing Burnout Revenge, my eyes really were stuck on the screen watching every movement that my car makes. While my car, just a Hot Rod which has a max speed of 209 MPH, avoided every obstacle, my body also moved once the car I was using swerved around the course. With every Revenge, Signature and Vertical Takedown that I've made, I rejoiced and the people around me, my Brother, Sister and Mom, rejoiced as if Manny Pacquiao scored a KO over his opponent.

Also, while playing Burnout Revenge, everytime my Mom(when out of the room) and Dad call me to do some chores, I disregarded those favors and just continued playing. I didregarded those favors because I don't want my concentration to be disrupted so there, I just said repeatedly to them "Mamaya na lang! Ok?"

After playing the game, I just ate my lunch which was Baked Macaroni. It tasted really nice and it was a sumptuous lunch for me. After eating my lunch, I just read the newspaper and texted some persons about important matters.

After reading, I listened to music and still, Maroon 5, Dragonforce, Avenged Sevenfold, Linkin Park and Fall Out Boy invade my playlist. I then turned on this PC and there started my online ventures for this day.

I hope that I would be happy once I make a bold move some time this month. I'm really inspired now. She is the most gorgeous, most intelligent, just add in any superlative here. You know who you are.

Enough for being emotional.
Savvy?

SONG OF THE DAY

This is Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" from their album, Eyes Open. This song is really just nice especially its chorus.

I'M IN A STATE OF CONFUSION. I NEED HER SWEET WORDS. I NEED SOMEONE. I NEED SOMEONE FOR ME TO BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME

Currently, I've been uneasy. When I'm alone, all I seem to think is . . . still her. It's just that this past week, I've tried everything to avoid the person. Then came Friday. I was doing something outside the room then someone suddenly said "Hello" to me. I was shocked to find out that it was her who said "Hello." I instantly became happy from that moment. I don't know why but hearing her say "Hello" comforted me and it's like all my damn problems were gone.

Now, I'm more confused than ever because the recent events have changed my mindset. . . in dealing with almost everybody. Life is too complex for me to understand. It somehow is like a story wherein we are immersed in a complicated plot.

Now, I'm more positive than ever and I'm happy once again. All of this due to one word. . . "Hello."

So much for being so dramatic.
Savvy?

I ENDED UP AS A SORE LOSER . . . THIS IS JUST BS! WHY AM I ON THE WRONG SIDE ALWAYS? I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THE ADVICES OF MY RELIABLE CLASSMATES

I'm obviously hurt now. I don't know why I end up as a damn sore loser all the time. I regret now that I didn't listen to Ate Kat in the past. She said "Jio, why are you holding on where in fact, there's nothing to hold at in the first place?" I thought I should have made a move but the situation is on the other guy's favor not mine. I'm so STUPID to hang on to something UNATTAINABLE.

I regret that I loved the person in the first place. I really ended up being a huge failure. When I'm alone, I get dejected. When I'm alone, thoughts of her circle in my mind. When I'm alone, I ended up crying miserably because all I can remember is that I got busted, I got rejected, she chose another guy and so on and so forth.

I'm now desperate to forget her. VERY DESPERATE is the exact word. Again, Ate Kat was right on this one. She said "Jio, *name withheld for privacy* is not the right girl for you. If you get rejected for how many times already, stop Jio stop! You're hurting yourself in the process!" This sentiment would never get away from my mind until I find another girl to cover, to patch, to fix my already damaged life.

Patrick really is just what you call a loyal friend. He just told me to hang in there. . . to be strong . . . and of course, we said the phrase "Happy People!" This day really went on another spiral and downward turn when Patrick told me that the other guy would courth the girl. I said "I don't care!" to conceal what I feel. Of course, I got hurt. Now, I seriously thought that this is an implication that I must AVOID the girl. Another is that I must now exert all my effort to FORGET her. The question is . . . can I do it? If the past would be used as a key, I was NOT successful. Now, I'm just really trying to solve my porblems bit by bit and if I succeed in forgetting her, it would really help me a lot.

Of course, accepting the harsh reality that she won't like me has been a bitter pill to swallow. Through the revolving winds of time, I have succeeded in swallowing that harsh reality.

Maybe it's my fault after all. If it WAS my fault, then why am I suffering too much already? Do I really deserve to suffer too much? The pain is already unbearable. . . very unbearable. I wish to become numb to ease the excruciating pain but I have to be strong. Subsequently, I can't be because I think that this sad time in my life is there to wake me up from the harsh realities of life. One thing's for sure though, I would really try to FORGET and MOVE ON.

In the end, I just really wished that I never loved her. I really ended up as a huge failure. My confidence is in its record low so to speak. Well, I just have to get over this problem and hopefully, I would be very happy in the end.

Savvy?
P.S If ever you get to read this, I would really appreciate it.

POURING OUT THE EXCESS BAGGAGE

"Beyond that dark cloud is a sun ready to shine"
Renato Galvan Jr.

This quote made by the honorable Renato struck me most for today. It just really depicts that challenges are there to toughen us not degrade our whole being. An obstacle is there as a blessing in disguise not a thing that must be angered upon by us. A dark cloud may come upon us but our optimism must not be overshadowed by such. People say that a thing that occurs always has its corresponding purpose, a purpose shrouded in mystery and some conspicuous circumstances.

Every time a dark cloud comes, we must approach it carefully and approach it with calmness and an attitude that denotes something about being positive. Having a positive outlook is nice and it really lessens the burden and it even gives you a more mature approach. Smiling helps too. According to Pau, it lessens the pain. I can certainly approve that sentiment of hers. Smiling results to doing something positive and it lessens the muscle usage in our faces. THAT IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT.

Today was a day filled with unsuspected happenings. I was sad for one part then I'm happy in another part. First, the happy part. I was happy because while practicing, Danica, Tristan and Bilog made comedic actions which rocked the house down.

The sad part this time. It happened when Gemma asked me if I would court her. I didn't offer any answer. Then she told me that the aforementioned girl was seated together with someone in that store near McDonalds. What an excruciating message that was. Then Ate Kat said that if I want to court her, do I stand a chance? That question made my situation worse. It was as if she's implying that I must not pursue any plans of courtship. She said that it's like I'm holding on to something which is unattainable. That statement given by Ate Kat hurt me a lot!

I'm just really dumbfounded now. I don't know if I'm still alright now.
Savvy?

I JUST CAN'T DO IT. . . WHY?

"Pain without love. Pain . . . I can't get enough. Pain . . . I like it rough 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."
- Pain by Three Day's Grace -

Well, I tried escaping the fact that I should not avoid her but still. . . I avoided her. There is this urge inside me that is telling me that I must talk to her and settle things but I can't because I'm boisterous and I'm still having difficulty in approaching the said person.

When we had our Guidance session, I was deeply affected by the bold terms "Conflict Management". It's like those are words that give me a sign that I must do something. That step saying that "Approach the problem" made an impact on me. Another was "Talk to the person personally not through other means".

I'm wondering if the said presentation by the Guidance was meant to affect my life. I think it really served a purpose. It left a remarkable and astounding message on me. I'm more determined to patch my miserable life now. I'm willing to take and receive more pain just to forget that past which has debilitated me terribly.

At times, I think that I want to expire already. I think that I don't serve any important purpose at this world at all at times. So much for being a pessimist, I would really like to see that sign wherein I would be happy after I see that sign.

I just can't forget a person. I've been asking myself "WHY?!?" lots of times already. It's like these thoughts play with my mind before I sleep. It's like I've been a person molded into a person who's very stupid. Very immature. Maybe I really need to find another girl. Heck, I'm really puzzled. Damn!

I'm getting into a point wherein I think of myself as a failure in life just because of the inescapable reality that I've been fooled by my own feelings or let's just presume that inescapable reality has something to do with rejection or being rejected.

Pain is unbearable and I must unload it or else . . . I might turn into a person that you'll never appreciate. Pain makes me sick. Pain makes me vulnerable. But I would rather feel pain if that's the only way that I could solve my lingering problems.

Hopefully, I would be happy again soon.
Savvy?
Sorry to everyone especially to the person/s that I've avoided.

This is Bob Marley's "Don't Worry Be Happy." This song really is nice especially the whistling part.

SOME THINGS SHOULD BE DONE TO MINIMALIZE THE PROBABILITIES OF NEGATIVE SCENARIOS

"I just need little of your time . Little of your time to say the words I never said."
- Maroon 5's Little Of Your Time from their chart-busting album, It Won't Be Soon Before Long -

I'm really in a state of dilemma now. I don't know if I'm still in a state of wellness, completeness and fineness. I don't know if all the things that I'm doing are right. Yes, I've tried to forget but still, I can't. I just need some time to shake the misfortunes off.

Shaking those misfortunes has been dreadful and dismal to say the very least. Some might say that a piece of info is a fact while another states that it's merely a rumor. Discounting the circumstance that it might be a fact, I've been contemplating the reality that I don't have to love someone for now. I don't have those killer smiles. I don't possess those handsome qualities. I'm simply a person who tries to set a bold impact on others. Taking risks have hurt me. I think of myself as garbage when it comes to love and all those emotions.

I've learned something yesterday about my horrible past. That is something about an answer that I've been looking for. That answer is related to my failures in love. The answer is more of a rejoinder or reason for all those rejections that I've accepted. With the reason now in my grasp, I can firmly say that I was a stupid person - a person who made a move that hurt him in the end. . . not give him a sense of accomplishment.

I consider this school year as a year to prove myself to each and every one of you that the Jio last year is different from the Jio this year. I'm damn serious with that sentiment. I tried to not approach some persons lately and that didn't work for my "moving on " process.

Hopefully, I can fully grasp the extents of moving on in life. It takes time per se, but I have to be strong. I have to be wise. I have to be matured enough. I have to be open-minded for the sake of accepting harsh realities.

I, hereby, would like to point out that I would try my best not to do something drastic about my emotions especially admiration, love and infatuation.

I'm stupid . . . very stupid.
Savvy?

This is Maroon 5's Little of Your Time

I'M MISERABLE, HURT and ABOUT TO DO SOME MOVING ON

This week was downright awful. Well, now that Mary confirmed every thing, that signifies that I have to move on. Also, I have to forget her. With that being said, I was kinda reluctant to answer her back with a "Hello" in the afternoon.

To set the record straight, I've been avoiding Rap this week. I said that as to confirm something about it. Also, my "moving on" process is back to square one because of what happened in lunch time. Since she passed by in the room, Lawrence and the other boys said that "Jio, nandiyan si Celine oh!" I was saddened by it because that WAS the past and I'm moving on already and that made my situation worse.

Getting straight to the point now. In summer, I asked for a sign if ever I need to move on in my life and forget her. That sign was if she's not my classmate, I should be happy with it. And man, that really happened. I really considered it as a blessing. Yes, a blessing.

With Rap entering into the picture, I consider it as a blessing also. With that being said, I can now totally focus in my studies. Yes, more determined this time to focus in my studies and make a damn statement.

Yes, I've been trying my best to avoid her also. I won't disclose the true reason yet. I just simply will hide it for now.

I'm so stupid to have liked someone so gorgeous like her in the first place. Of course, I don't possess good looks then suddenly, I will do some drastic things. I'm so stupid. Very stupid. Anyway, I will do my best to forget every single damn thing.

AS DAYS PASS BY . . .

I'm really sad about some things today- including myself. Well, there is this thing that I'm going through now. I'm certainly having a tough time. School makes me forget the problems but when I'm doing things that aren't school-related, my mind makes me think of something else. It seems that my feelings won't simply go away. The heart would say something about showing how you feel and then I must push through it. My mind would then say that I must forget everything that I feel and just focus on my studies. This situation really is a mess that I want to get myself out. . . quickly.

I want to go with the flow but it's hard to do so. Bah! This is just plain awful. When will I have the chance to show all the feelings that are inside to . . . uhm . . . you-know-who. Then I'm thinking at the same time some things that are the vice-versa of the things that my heart is telling me. Oh never mind my being nonsense.

While typing this entry, I'm actually sleepy and while I'm sleepy, I pour out more of my truthful side. That truthful side is more of a personality of mine which divulges the "inner self" of mine. Err, this is getting really nonsense.

Am I still a person who thinks some things awkwardly? Yes I still do. Anyway, I'm really fatigued now. For some reasons, I'm really excited for tomorrow. I'm kinda more serious now in approaching things. I mean I really think of the consequences first. But then, personal problems still linger inside my system but I'm doing my best to go with the flow. Do I still think of the past? Yes, I still do. Do I regret some decisions in the past? Yes, I regret some decisions. But I, hopefully, can improve myself and of course, be a better person in the process.

This is the music video of the song "Pain" by Three Days Grace

Savvy?

I'M MUCH BETTER NOW

I admit that yesterday's entry was uncalled for. I mean, I think I crossed the line of some "borders" which shouldn't be conquered. If this said "border" is taken down, many things will be affected like respectability and credibility. I'm more into trouble now I presume.

Yesterday's entry though removed the excess baggage in my system. I don't think that it was the right thing to do though. I may have really crossed the line with the entry. If that's the price that I have to pay, so be it. I'm sorry though. But I think saying sorry adds insult to injury. But saying sorry also is important and I'm sincere about it.

This is now called "facing the music". I have to pay the consequences for what I did and that's the bottomline. I deserve it anyway.

On a lighter side though, I'm more comfortable now in doing some things and when I'm alone, I don't think of it too much.

NBA News:
The Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Detroit Pistons by the score of 87-91. LeBron James was the man for Cleveland. But a rookie named Daniel Gibson took the spotlight away from James as he made clutch jump shots and free throws to make Cleveland stay in the game. Series is now tied at 2 games apiece. This time though, the referees did a superb job on officiating the game. They engaged in non-partisan officiating. They were consistent and were not biased. Kudos referees!

This is all for now!
Savvy?

The Miscellaneous Entry

Now that school day is getting nearer and nearer, I want to do these adjutments:
1. Sleep early because my "biological clock" or "body clock" is still set at sleeping late at 2am.
2. Wake up early because I'm still used to waking up at 7am. I have to get used to waking up at 5am.
3. I have to get used to not using the cellphone because I won't be able to use it during the school year.
4. I have to CONTAIN and LOCK all the remaining emotions inside me. Why? This emotions caused my downfall last year. I learned my lesson and indeed, I rushed things. I feel sorry to myself. Very sorry indeed.
That's all for the adjustments.

Well, now that I'm still trying to forget, my mind has been boggled by it. I've been doing everything to cover it up but my sheer stupidity and hard-headedness prevails always. At times, I want to be invincible. I want to be invulnerable. I want to be a man who can be tough, strong and determined enough to beat those problems regarding the matters of the heart.

Removes the mask that has been covering the truth that I've been hiding.

I consider myself a failure at times because of all those things. I regret it at times but I should not regret it. At least I learned something right?I mean, I was just infatuated then I did that? I mean, man, that four-letter word makes a person do foolish things ha? I've been asking Ate Kat for some nuggets of wisdom and she was right. She said that I just have to be serious about my studies and when I do that, forgetting will follow. Hmm, going with the flow has been essential too. I mean, at times, I'm happy and sometimes I'm not. I mean, I have to do some "soul searching". Having chatmates have helped me. I have vowed not to do some idiotic things related with love but I have to control myself from not breaking that vow of mine. I'm sorry to myself but I'm okay now. I just have to release this statements and emotions subsequently to remove the pain inside. This indeed makes me wonder. Da*n!

SONG OF THE DAY:

Makes Me Wonder by Maroon 5. This is the No.1 song in the Hot 100 of the Billboard Charts.

RELEASING EMOTIONS

"Love transforms our lives and connects it with others"
an excerpt from a story from Reader's Digest

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them"
Mother Teresa

Now the usual stuff...
CURRENTLY DOING: Chatting, listening to music, Internet surfing, forum posting
NOW LISTENING TO: Because of You by Ne-Yo
CHATTING WITH: Gelli

Now the entry...

Yesterday's entry was for me, a necessary thing to be done. There is still pain inside me. There is still the feeling of being upset. There is still the uneasiness inside me. There is still the discontentment. Disappointment still lurks inside my system. I'm hurt. I'm unwell obviously.

As you can see, I liked a girl who was very nice and beautiful. Heck, at first, I didn't mind all those rejections that I've received. I was really just taking it seriously but still it looks like that I was unfazed at all. I've doubted my feelings in the first place but I took a huge risk- a risk that made my life uneasy. I regret doing those asking that one DREADFUL question to the person. Heck, I shouldn't have done it in the first place. My sheer stupidity got the best of me. Yes, sheer stupidity- the trait that caused all my misfortunes in the first place. I thought it was love but persons that I've "consulted" to tell the opposite. So it looks like a wrong move in the end.

These certain misfortunes are now making my life tough. Heck, if I will find someone else, then I just used the person as a "covering" for the pains. That's wrong. If moving on is the solution, how would I do it? Being busy? I don't think so. Why? When I do times, thoughts of her suddenly invade my brain. Avoiding contact or communication? I can't do that. I'm not even mad at the person then I would do that?!? That just doesn't make sense. Maybe what a friend of mine said which is "Just act normally and time will heal those pains and wounds." You know what, I've read lots of books that told the same thing.

This is already a tough time for me considering the fact that I'm not yet really in good terms with my Mom but the effort is there. Also, a friend told me that the person isn't ready to have a relationship then why did I still do that? I'm pretty miserable now.

When I'm alone, what comes into my mind is thoughts of obviously... her. If the person gets mad, I'm sorry. This is it for me. I want to expire from this world. Seriously, I can't handle lots of problems at the same time.

This is it for now. Bye. Savvy?

I'm FRUSTRATED, UPSET, SAD ,and HURT

"The right person will come to the person in the least unexpected way"
My textmate

CURRENTLY DOING: Downloading songs from Timbaland's latest album "Shock Value", chatting, Internet surfing, forum posting
CHATTING WITH: Gellah
LISTENING TO: Give It To Me by Timbaland featuring Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake and Break It Off by Rihanna featuring Sean Paul

At the beginning of the day, I was upbeat. I was excited. I was happy. I was really just happy when I woke up. Afternoon came, I'm still cheerful. Heck, I was really just having fun.

Then, evening came and someone texted me and we then talked about love. Then, it suddenly went downhill. Heck, for reasons unknown, my past troubled me AGAIN for the nth time. My textmate sensed it and the textmate said if I'm really serious about love, I should do everything to show how I feel. But, I've lost my self-confidence during those tumultuous times in the past. This summer, I've said to myself, that during the school year, my commitment will be more serious than before.

Back to the textmate thing. The said textmate said if the need for moving on arises, I have to do it. I asked how. The person replied that I must be busy. But being busy for me is not the solution. Heck, I'm just really frustrated and upset in a sense that I don't have a sense of direction in terms of love.

Sad because my past is still troubling me up to this moment. I've been asking myself this question: "To find someone else or to move on". I've tried both options and I've failed. My sense of commitment and detemination in doing both options was HIGH but still I failed. How come it happened like that? I just really need answers.

Hurt because those painful moments have been taking their toll on me. I try to shield them by putting a "mask" on my soul but it still won't work. Do I have to "face the music" to solve the problem? I just really don't know.

This is it for now. Bye mates! Savvy?