DID I COMMIT ONE OF THE MOST UNFORGIVING ACTS OF ALL TIME?

This is just bullshit. I just ignored her earlier. I don't know why I suddenly did that. Maybe because of the news that Rap was courting but then . . . maybe it's also that I wanted to move on since I cry a lot when I'm alone just because I think of my past which has a connection to her in the first place.

I was so shocked that I did it in the first place. That was the first time that I ignored her greetings of "Hello." Then it just hit me that am i serious in moving on or what? My thoughts are really puzzled. Should I avoid and ignore her for the rest of this school year until I recover and move on? I need an answer or a sign here. I'm damn serious.

Last night, I cried heavily since I thought that I was stupid because I liked her. This situation is getting out of hand seriously. I want to move on but I can't do it. Damn. I want to put my money where my mouth is but since I've made claims that I will try to forget, I haven't been able to put my money where my mouth is.

I'm now really puzzled. Yes, I may be attempting to forget but still, if I ever become successful in forgetting her, there would still be a part of her that remains inside me. You see, life is just so intricate. I'm now thinking that should I still do this crap? Maybe yes and maybe not.

I'm damn pissed off. It's like everyone around me is being affected by my inner demons. Damn myself. I'm such a huge failure in life. I want to be successful yet with the present situation, I should do something first.

I, hereby, would like to apologize for that shameful gesture done by me. I'm so stupid to have done it in the first place.

But then, there is this "mystifying aura" that tells me that I should move on. But also, Jonash told me I shouldn't have done it. You see, life is too complex.

I wonder if what I did to her can be considered as a solution to the healing process. With my present state, I don't think so. Anything that I try just fails big time. It screws up my inner confidence. It screws up big time my self-esteem.

I'm sorry to myself and I'm sorry to her.

Savvy?