I AM THE CULT OF PERSONALITY

"Neon lights, a Nobel Prize! The mirror speaks, the reflection lies. You don't have to follow me! Only you can set me free."
- "Cult of Personality" by Living Colour -

I've promised that this entry will be the one about what's running inside my head for three days already. Since I've made that promise, I will do it. This entry will be straightforward and pretty factual enough. This entry will just set the record straight about what's really inside my head.

Seriously, thoughts of her are running still in my head. I definitely want to move on because the pain is extremely excruciating. Sorry to say but I really need an answer, a reply, an explanation or whatever from someone which will say on how I must move on and should I really forget my past.

It's my fault on asking her in the first place. I mean, I should have just accepted all the realities that were present during that time. I should have just let the situation stay as it is during that time rather than to let myself enter the disgusting doors of pain, suffering and misery.

Desperate is the right term to describe myself in terms of my desire to move forward and write a new chapter of my life. I am languishing in pain, ready to scream and howl with so much anguish in me. I'm not emo by the way. I don't slash my wrists. But this is really just my situation. Sorry.

Hopefully, this mess that I myself created will be over. I want to forget and move forward. But I hope it won't compromise a single thing. I just really want to get over this and start something new.

During the practice of our Shakesperean play, the Midsummer Night's Dream, I almost cried when I was talking about this situation to someone whom I'm not really close at but still knows the situation. I was really teary-eyed. I hope that person doesn't spill the beans to anyone. I just really trusted that person a lot. Heck, I don't know why I'm dwelling on this thing for such a long time already.

I'm in a state wherein I'm searching for answers. Yes, I reiterate the point that I'm searching for answers. You might ask, what answers am I looking for? I am looking for the answer or an explanation from her that can help me move on and start again or maybe this explanation will make it easier on me to find someone to occupy my heart anew.

I feel that full transparency and truthfulness are the only things that can make me happy. By this, I mean that I just really want to know something about the situation. Something that I do not know.

I'm not yet insane as I type this entry. Madness will only come if I do not overcome this situation. It's all my fault. Damn. I think I have rushed my decision quite a bit. The result is that . . . I'm now experiencing rock bottom.

Hell yeah! I'm not feeling well since all this ruckus happened. I ought to fix this before something shitty happens to me.

Savvy?